


can't mantain

by EtherealFay



Category: Inside Out (2015)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Man I lost like two nights writing this, There's some cursing but I think it's mostly devoid of rude terms, hold me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-08 10:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4301808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtherealFay/pseuds/EtherealFay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[He said,] "If you spend all your heart/ On something that has died/ You are not alive/ and that can't be your life"/ Love what you can/ Love what you can/ Til it dies/ Then let it lie/ Let it fly/ Away</p><p>or </p><p>Riley learns how to deal with grief</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 0. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Inside Out is a great movie made by Pixar. If you are reading this, you probably already watched it, but please go see it again. (I can't because the movie theaters here refuse to air it subbed, but I digress...)  
> Oh, and this entire work references Andrew Jackson Jihad's album Can't Mantain. (You probs noticed the title, but I used some verses here and there.)

Riley Anderson was a cheerful child, to say the least. She loved her Mom and her Dad; she loved walking along the sidewalk just babbling silly stuff with her friends; she loved when it was finally winter and the ice was stable enough for skating or hockey; she loved when her aunts and uncles came from Frisco just to see her.

(Specially Aunt Joy, but she wouldn’t ever admit having a favorite.)

Riley’s home was big and comfortable and full of memories. The ceiling over her bed was covered in stars, the same ones she’d get to see with good ol’ Bing-Bong.

She had lots and lots of pictures of her favorites moments in her yellow-and-blue scrapbook under the bed.

(There was that photo Mom took when she was only four and scored her first goal; another one from that trip to Disney World; other from that time she scored the winning goal; there was one with her face stuffed with that wonderful cake at her aunts’ wedding; there was even a picture from the occasion when Uncle Filipe taught her how to cook and then both of ‘em got in problem with Aunt Diana and Uncle Andrew because of the mess. To this day, Riley doesn’t know how Aunt Joy got it.)

Oh boy, life was really good.

Was.

* * *

It all started going south when she was eleven and Dad went on that trip with his colleague to do… something work related.

Mom and he started having hushed conversations that they stopped everytime Riley entered the room.

After a couple of months, they finally came to her.

“Riley, we got some news to share with you.” Dad started with his gentle tone.

She looked at them expectantly.

“How would you like to live close to your uncles and aunts?” Mom offered.

Riley grinned widely.

“I’d love to!” She answered excitedly “When are they coming?”

Her parents shared a glance.

“What?” She was starting to get worried.

“Look, lil’ monkey,” Dad looked her deep in the eyes. “I’ve got another position at the company, far away from Minnesota. It’s not exactly in San Francisco, but we could get a house somewhere close to your mom’s siblings and-”

“Why?”

Riley’s heart beat fast against her chest; her stomach felt heavy.

“What’s wrong with right here?”

“Nothing’s wrong with Minnesota, monkey.” Mom answered truthfully. “Your father’s got a new job so we’re moving to offer him some support.”

“I wouldn’t want to live anywhere without my two fair ladies” He said.

That was a lot to think about, Riley concluded. What about her friends? What about hockey? What about her school and their house and their pleasant neighbourhood?

Frankly, that was too much to take in.

However, those were her parents and they had always proven they knew best. Dad needed her and Mom by his side, so she’d go.

“Okay.”

They hugged her tightly and kissed her cheeks.

“You’re so mature, Riley.” Mom beamed with pride.

“As long as we’re together, things will be okay, right?” She smiled softly.

“Right.” They agreed.

Technically, they weren’t wrong.

* * *

The moments before their departure weren’t exactly happy, but she’d look at them with some fondness in the future. Just the calm before the storm.

Dad traveled a lot between California and home and Mom dealt with the paperwork.

Riley mostly spent time with her friends.

(She was missing everyone and everything already.)

It took them months and months of plans and preparation, but by the middle of september they were ready.

They bade goodbye to their old home and entered the car. Another step into a new life.

Riley could only gaze at the streets she loved while Dad drove away from them.

Nevertheless, she saw when the truck hit their car. Then, nothing else.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I loved writing it. Please, if you enjoyed, leave a comment (OR SPECIALLY IF YOU FOUND ANY MISSPELINGS. I'M NOT A NATIVE SPEAKER AND I WANT TO WRITE WELL IN YER TONGUE).
> 
> Also, this story is complete. I'm only revising (is this expression right?) it and I'll be posting a chapter a day.
> 
> Oh, and have a good day/night, reader.


	2. 1. denial

Riley woke up in an unfamiliar room. She blinked as she tried to remember why she was there. Her body ached and her throat was sore and there were some medical equipment next to her. Why there-

Oh. The truck.

She coughed.

“Oh, you woke up.” Riley moved her head to see who had spoken. It was Aunt Sadness (sorry, Sadie).

“Hey, Riley.” Aunt Joy’s cheerful voice brought a small smile to her face. “How are you feeling?”

“A lil’ tired and achy.” Her voice sounded hoarse. “I’m also a bit thirsty.”

Aunt Sadie immediately got up, filled a cup with water, and helped her drink it. Riley got a bit confused by her aunt’s quick action - she was usually so passive. She didn’t care much, though: the water was cool and eased her pain a little.

“Thanks.” She said when the cup was empty.

“No problem.” was her answer.

A sudden uncomfortable silence settled. Weirdly enough, Aunt Joy was awfully quiet, as if she didn’t have anything to say, which was really strange in itself.

She looked around, trying to focus on anything else other than the awkward situation that unfolded.

Apparently, she was in a hospital room since God-knows-when in God-knows-where with only aunts Joy and Sadie by her side. Something was amiss.

(Other than the accident, that is.)

Ah. Where were-

“Mom and Dad?”

Her relatives looked at each other. Riley was sure they were hiding something.

“Auntie Joy?” She called. “Where are my parents?”

“Sweetie.” She started with a shaky voice. “Your parents are…”

“Not here.” Her wife finished it.

“In another room?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

Oh indeed.

* * *

After this unpleasant conversation, everything felt like a haze to Riley.

(This is not real.)

She had been in a coma for a week and Mom and Dad were buried while she was still “asleep”. A couple of friends had visited her, but Riley then was unconscious. Once she woke up, though, nobody had come.

(This is not real.)

Her aunts told her that she was going to live with them in San Francisco and that they had already contacted the moving company to send her stuff to their house.

(This is not real.)

After being released from the hospital, she and her relatives had to wait two more days for the next flight to San Francisco. In the meantime, she went to the cemetery to see two tombstones.

(This is not real.)

While still in town, Riley discovered she had developed some sort of phobia of cars. When she got out of the hospital, and thus still weak, they had to take a cab to the hotel where they were going to stay. She couldn’t stop shaking or fidgeting inside the taxi.

(This is not real.)

Out of the impact, just a few things still were usable. Her luggage, for example, was intact. Her scrapbook was really crumpled and the edges were a bit burned. She couldn’t stand looking at either of them. And, to be honest, it was too unbearable to see herself in the mirror.

(This is not real.)

Riley couldn’t stop wondering if she would ever get to see the cosmos while staring at the clouds from inside the plane. Glancing over Aunt Sadie, who was shaking and holding Aunt Joy’s hand with a strong grip, she asked herself if it even mattered.

(This is not real.)

When they finally got to the house, Uncles Andrew and Filipe and Aunt Diana were already there, just waiting them. She hugged each of them and then headed upstairs, where they said (which one did? She couldn’t remember) her new bedroom was.

She found a clean, albeit a little empty, room. Riley closed the door and dropped to the floor.

(This is not real.)

She sobbed as quietly as she could. She didn’t shed a tear, though.

(This is real.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please, leave a comment if you like it (or if you find any misspellings).  
> Also, I wanna talk about Nausicaä: go watch it. It has some really good animation, well-developed characters, good environmental messages. It left me confused, but I'm just a dumbass.
> 
> ...Anyway, take care, dear reader. Thank you for reading this.


	3. 2. anger

Riley didn’t know what was worse: the nightmares or the good dreams.

In a bad night, she would toss and turn without rest; she’d kick the covers and awake sweaty; she’d have visions of blood and cars and horror. The torments of her sleep would follow her all throughout the day.

In a good night, she’d rest at peace and see the moon and the stars and Mom and Dad; she’d play hockey all day long; she’d be jumping on her bed back in Minnesota. Once she would wake up, though, the warmth of the last hours would be replaced by an intense feeling of dread at the pit of her stomach.

The days weren’t much better, however.

Riley now went to a school near her aunts’ home.

(“Are you really okay going to school right now, Riley? It’s been a couple of awful weeks.”

“‘m gonna be fine.” Riley gave her best fake smile. “It’s best to keep goin’.”)

Nobody spoke with her and she didn’t try to talk with anybody.

(On the first day, she couldn’t stop stuttering or shaking when her teacher asked about Minnesota. Things have been awkward ever since.)

She went back to her new house and did her homework in her bedroom.

By six, when all of her relatives had already come back from work, they had dinner and made small talk.

After that, she’d go back to her room and mostly stare at the ceiling til bedtime.

Rinse and repeat.

(After a while, Riley noticed she couldn’t breathe properly anymore as her chest felt too tight.)

* * *

She remembers once loving San Francisco. She used to come there every now and then with her parents to see the family branch from the West Coast.

(Actually, aside from Dad and her, all of her living family was from California.)

She loved the beach and the weird (well, at least to her it looked weird) architecture of the city. She adored being silly with Aunt Joy and learning new cuss words from Uncle Andrew; she adored watching movies (and making snarky commentaries) with Uncle Filipe and dressing up with Aunt Diana.

(She liked Aunt Sadie too, but she was always too quiet.)

She cherished every moment with them because they were always fun to be around.

(Before reaching her fifth birthday, Riley thought that, just because Joy had the name of an emotion, all of them would also be named after feelings. Aunt Sadie was Sadness, Aunt Diana was Disgust, Uncle Filipe was Fear, and Uncle Andrew was Anger.

Furthermore, it took her more years to find out that Sadie is not the shortened version of Sadness.)

Nowadays, though, everything bothered her. Every sight was now a source of pain and annoyance.

* * *

After some time in that household, Riley started to notice its routine. Joy would come around 4 pm from the daycare where she worked. Filipe would arrive not much later to help with dinner.

(Riley didn’t know where he worked.)

Then there were Diana and Andrew. They always arrived five o'clock sharp.

(Nor where these two did either.)

And, finally, there came waddling Sadie from the hospital. Riley wasn’t sure what she did, but she had a nice lab coat.

Generally, they left her alone at the table, but today wasn’t a good day.

(Did good days even exist anymore?)

No, sir. She almost cried when other kids talked about the auditions for the FogHorns, and then she had an anxiety attack when her teacher asked about something in class.

(It was a bit worse than the average, to say the least.)

One of them asked how was school, and then Joy asked if she was going to go back to hockey, and hell was set loose.

Riley answered angry and tired and they didn’t like her attitude. Things blew up and then she was sent to her room.

She felt like crap and thought, a little enraged, that nothing was worse than that.

But then Sadie entered her room and sat quietly at the edge of her bed. “When you feel like you need to talk, Riley,” She said carefully. “Please, come to me.”

Then she patted gently her head and left.

Pity, Riley concluded, was the worst.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, holy shit, have you seen the fusion between Garnet and Pearl? I dunno if you, reader, follows Steven Universe, but I love it to death and I'm just really excited.  
> Second of all, thanks for reading this. I had lots of fun (and worry. Dang, it's really hard to get the English syntax. Not like the Romanic Languages, God no - but it's hard.) writing it and I hope you like it.  
> And finally, please leave a comment if you do find any misspellings or if you just want to say anything.
> 
> Bless y'all and take care.


	4. 3. bargaining

Riley’s days were even more full of guilt and self-loathing and false smiles after that.

She apologized and most of them seemed to relax a bit more.

She hated being there and never really feeling like herself. She hated making concessions and faking her reactions. No one knew how she truly felt and it was starting to get difficult differentiating between what was real or not.

Most of her thoughts these days were filled with alternate scenarios.

What if her parents were never harmed on their way to San Francisco?

What if she could go back in time to warn them about the truck?

What if they never left home?

What if.

* * *

It was weird to think of a time she didn’t feel like utter crap. Her life before had been so much better.

Mom and Dad.

Friends.

Hockey.

Minnesota.

Home.

Now, all she had were stupid tainted memories and daydreams.

Riley liked to think about the feel of the warm kisses her parents always gave her; about the cold, slippery ice of the frozen pond where she was the boss among her teammates; about the cartoons which she watched all the time.

(If only she was capable of hindsight.)

About Dad’s cooking; about Mom’s knowledge of the cosmos; about her stuffed plushies.

(If only that bloody truck hadn’t hit their car.)

She could only wonder about the settings in which she could be carefree; in which she could talk without hearing those whispers of failure and pity inside her head; in which she could go back to the beginning.

(If only time could move backwards.)

In which she still laughed and living wasn’t painful; in which she didn’t hate herself nor everyone surrounding her; in which she didn’t want to scream 24/7.

(If only everyone would just stop.)

(If only.)

* * *

Since that outburst, Riley had begun the habit of watching television with her aunts every now and then.

(She had come out of her room to drink some water when she saw them in the living room watching some dvds of older cartoons. Riley was deeply surprised: she kinda expected them to see documentaries or some boring adult tv show.

“Hey, Riley,” Joy called after her. “Wouldja watch some Tiny Toons with us?”

The girl was about to say no when she noticed Sadie’s face. Even if she dismissed with a half-assed carefree tone, she was sure Sadie would notice her demeanor.

So she nodded and sat down, trying to not draw any attention.)

That night, they were seeing Dexter’s Laboratory. Riley thought it was okay.

Deedee and Dexter (were these the right names?) were discussing about the existence of a imaginary friend, Koosalagoopagoop, when it appeared.

“Deedee, my sweet.” It (he?) said as Dexter was knocked over by Koosie as it (he?) turned to greet his (its?) creator.

“Hey,” Said Joy. “Doesn’t he look like Bing-Bong, Riley?”

“Who?” She was a bit confused.

“Oh, you know him.” Joy grinned. “Who’s your friend who likes to play?”

Riley felt disoriented. The name was vaguely familiar, as was the tune which her aunt merrily sang, but she didn’t recall any Bing-Bong.

“Oh.” Joy’s smile faltered a bit. “He was your imaginary friend. I guess you forgot him.”

They turned back to the TV to finish the episode and didn’t talk for the rest of the night.

Later in bed, Riley was awfully bothered for not remembering Bing-Bong. He must have been too important to her if he had a theme song.

(If only she didn’t feel hollow.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have any of y'all heard about Maria Quitéria? Man, she's the coolest figure from all of Brazil's history. Like: she ran away from home to fight for the independence of my state, Bahia (WHICH WAS TOTALLY SEPARATED FROM BRAZIL'S COS THE PORTUGUESE SOLDIERS ESCAPED FROM EVERYWHERE ELSE AND CAME TO HIDE HERE), dressed up as a dude, was revealed as a woman 2 weeks later by her own dad, HER SUPERIOR STILL KEPT HER IN THE ARMY COS SHE WAS COMPETENT, fought for our cause, won, AND THEN WAS KNIGHTED BY OUR EMPEROR, D. PEDRO I. AND THEN SHE ASKED THE EMPEROR TO WRITE TO HER DAD TO FORGIVE HER FROM RUNNING AWAY.  
> I rly like this lady.  
> Oh, yeah, I posted another chapter. Thank y'all for reading it. If you did like it (or found any misspellings), please leave a comment.
> 
> Take care, dear reader.


	5. 4. depression

The world looked gray nowadays.

Everything was awful: Riley constantly feared her surroundings and felt emotionally drained. It was as if that place had taken all of her sense of self-worth.

She couldn’t make eye contact with most people anymore. It was getting hard to breathe freely. The worry and the dreams and the nightmares were devouring her insides.

Things were stopping to matter and she was just going through the motions.

The world looked gray nowadays.

* * *

All good and bad ideas, as far as she knew, started as reactions to outside stimuli. For example: Riley created Bing-Bong (who she doesn’t remember anymore) to replace her old friend, the Teddy Bear (which she still remembered for some reason), when his head fell off and she felt sad. Another one: she decided to play hockey after feeling so proud of herself when she scored her first goal.

Riley wasn’t feeling like herself at all, so she decided to run away.

Not her best plan, but hey, it even sounded a little reasonable.

She started to consider all of the elements: when, how, what to take, etc. Still, she never had a doubt she was going back home.

She had a bit of money from her allowance. She’d have to find some work in Minnesota and then save those resources. She’d take some of her clothes and little food - just enough so they wouldn’t notice.

She was going to take friday’s bus (shudder) to Minnesota.

The only problem was how she was going to get her aunt’s credit card and its password. Riley had spent already four days anxious, trying to think of a way to get it.

On the Wednesday, when she did act on it, though, things proved to be too easy. Sadie’s wallet had her card wrapped in a paper with all its informations. She thanked all the Gods above she had forgotten for this small miracle.

She bought the ticket and saved it in a flash drive. She’d print it at school the following day and wouldn’t draw attention.

Riley put it back after using it and then headed downstairs. No one would suspect a thing if she kept her act for a couple of days more.

What are two days next to a hellish month?

* * *

Riley was indeed surprised by how easy everything seemed. Nobody in school even batted an eyelid while she had a nervous breakdown on the inside.

Actually, the most troubling thing was when Sadie received a message on her phone in the middle of Courage the Cowardly Dog and the sound of it interrupted the flow of the episode.

It was really refreshing to see good stuff finally happening to her.

* * *

On the night before the big day, Riley packed up everything she could fit into her backpack and laid down on her bed, feeling a bit thrilled after such a long time.

She didn’t dream of anything.

When she woke up, strangely enough, she couldn’t feel much. She thought it would be scary to actually go out on her own, or at least exciting, but it was pretty much like a normal day.

Nothing mattered.

Riley greeted her aunts for breakfast and bade farewell when she was about to go.

“See you later, Riley.” Said Joy.

She would have laughed if she could actually be aware of her emotions.

“Bye.” She waved and then was gone.

Into the wild world.

It was truly weird to walk around, knowing deep down that it’s gonna be okay, but not being able to actually perceive it as a sensation.

The cloudy, indifferent skies mirrored her own heart.

Riley expected to feel angry, lost, relieved, happy, sad, anything. She couldn’t even say she was surprised by all this apathy.

San Francisco had taken all of her self-esteem. Everywhere she’d be, there were reminders of her failure.

(She wasn’t supposed to live without them.

Why her?

They could have another kid.

Mom and Dad were so young.)

She took a step. And another. With a blank mind, she started her way to the bus station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aren't y'all excited for today's new Steven Universe and Gravity Falls episodes? I know I am. There'll be the author of the journal, my brother; Sardonyx; Amethyst, my child; Onion, the hellspawn... Oh my gosh, let's dig into some good stuff.
> 
> Oh, well... Thank you for reading a sad chapter of my angsty fic. If you did find any misspellings, leave a message. Or if you just wanna talk, I dunno. Take care, dear reader.


	6. 5. acceptance

Riley arrived at the station around 3 pm after getting lost twice around the city. She wasn’t in a hurry, though, so it didn’t matter. After all, the bus would leave only at 5.

So she sat down in a bench and waited til the moment the driver said it was alright to go inside.

No problem. Just a few more hours til home.

* * *

When she was finally allowed to go in, Riley took a deep breath and went right to her assigned seat, 19-a. Finally-

“Aunt Sadie?”

How the hell did she know about her escape? Riley did everything right, didn’t leave any traces of her plan laying around.

“Hello.” She said in her melancholic tone.

How did she know? How did she choose the seat right beside hers? Why?

Riley sat down in silence. Her aunt was quiet as a mouse, not daring to even look up from her book.

After a few seconds, the questions and the anxiety were too intense inside Riley’s mind.

“How?” She couldn’t take it anymore.

Sadie lifted her knowing eyes and simply uttered: “I always receive a message on my phone after a transaction is made.”

Oh.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“The paper-”

“Joy’s usually the one who pays the bills, but she can’t remember for her dear life my password.”

“Ah.”

An uncomfortable silence falls upon them.

Riley was nervous. How was she going to get out of this situation? How was she going to get home?

How-

“Riley,” Sadie called her softly. “I think you’re very brave.”

Something snapped inside Riley.

“Please, don’t pity me.” She was just so fucking tired. “Things are bad already as they are.”

“I don’t pity you and never did.” Her voice didn’t falter. It was the utmost truth. “You were in a car accident, but still found strength to run away in an automobile.”

What.

“When my parents died, and I wasn’t even anywhere near them, I couldn’t bear to see a plane.”

Oh. So that was why-

“They died in an plane accident?” Riley asked.

Sadie nodded.

Now she was curious. “How did you cope?”

Sadie gave her a sad smile. “I didn’t. When my parents died, we moved to my granny’s home (that’s actually where we live today, Riley) and my entire world was upside down. I was mostly going through the motions.”

That sounded a lot familiar.

“As I was only ten, nobody allowed me to go their funeral. After a month, I ran away back to our old house and hid myself there for three entire days.”

She looked so damn exhausted.

“Your mom found me and held me for a very long time. It was only then that I cried and understood that nothing was ever going to be the same again. My brother was so worried he didn’t even fight with me.”

Pause.

“I miss Mom and Dad.” Riley ultimately said it.

“I miss my sister and my brother-in-law.” Sadie said as she patted gently her hand. “Do you want to talk now?”

Riley looked at her with tired and tearful eyes. “Yes.”

So they got off of the bus.

* * *

The walk back home was silent, but at least it wasn’t uncomfortable. They held hands and just cleared their heads along the way.

When they got home, however, chaos ran amok.

Aunt Joy and Uncle Filipe were loudly sobbing on the couch while Uncle Andrew and Aunt Diana screamed at each other.

“Hey.” Aunt Sadie announced herself.

Aunt Joy immediately jumped out of the couch and hugged tightly them both. “Oh my gosh, I thought I had lost you two. I dunno what I’d do if-”

And kissed their cheeks while she bawled uncontrollably.

“Ya have some explaining to give.” Grumbled uncle Andrew from behind her.

“Not now.” Aunt Sadie said as she picked up Riley. She was surprisingly strong. “We’re gonna learn how to cope.”

And so she walked upstairs with the child in her arms.

It was only then that Riley noticed she was finally crying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, we're finally reaching the end of our story. I hope y'all liked.
> 
> Oh, yeah: I have some explaining to do. So the thing with aunt Sadie's bank account is actually real. My godmother receives a message every time a new transaction happens. And I think it's very neat. I dunno if there are any banks over there in the US that actually do this, but hey, at least it's real somewhere.
> 
> Thank you for reading another chapter. Sorry for being repetitive (tomorrow I'll delete all these end notes - only leaving them at the first and last chapters, EXCEPT THE ONE THAT EXPLAINS THE BANK THING, because I wanna save this fic and these end notes will annoy me. I'm annoying.), but please do leave a comment if you did find any misspellings.
> 
> Anyway, take care, dear reader, and see ya.


	7. 6. coping

At long last, Riley cried and cried. She screamed and sobbed and her nose ran. She ranted and whined and talked til she got tired of speaking.

Aunt Sadie never said a word while she heard patiently her point of view.

And Riley couldn’t love her more for it.

(Don’t get her wrong. She loved all of her uncles and aunts. But Aunt Sadie’s compassion was that she needed above Joy’s cheerfulness, Filipe’s wariness, Andrew’s rage, or Diana’s blunt honesty.)

When her throat got sore and her entire body finally stopped shaking, she asked the main question she never really acknowledged:

“Does it ever stops hurting?”

“No, not really.” Aunt Sadie petted her head. “But it hurts less and less. Nevertheless, they’ll always stay with you.”

It was sad. And awful. And painful.

It was something.

“Sometimes, you’ll just want to disappear.” She sighed. “And it’ll be okay if you do, as long as you remember to come back.”

“Do you?”

“Disappear? More often than I’d like to admit.” She chuckled. “Joy always get nervous when I don’t tell her where or when I’m going out. But I get tired and need some alone time. It's just normal."

Riley smiled. Normal sounded good.

* * *

After that, things changed.

Riley now had hockey again in her life.

She could speak with a small group of friends.

She went to a shrink weekly.

("But why?" Asked Riley when Aunt Sadie brought up the topic of a psychologist. "I know I'm not okay, but me and you have been talking just fine and I've got a little better."

"Because I'm not enough and I know this." Aunt Sadie took a deep breath. "Riley, please understand: I may be able to help you somewhat, but while I have some knowledge of psychology due to my work-"

"See? You know stuff to help me." Riley was getting deeply nervous with the prospect of talking with anyone new of her personal problems.

"But I'm a social worker: I can't help you the way you need it.  You need to make self-discoveries and a professional could help you." She looked at her with sad, pleading eyes. "Please, Riley, we'll look out for one you'll like."

She thought for a moment. "Okay."

"You're such a strong girl." She kissed the top of her head. "Don't ever forget that."

Riley wouldn't dare.)

Baby steps.

Big steps.

Most of her family members acted awkward around her.

(“It’s okay” Said Aunt Sadie. “They’ll come around.”

“You sure?”

“With all my heart.”)

Riley could also breathe more easily.

(Cartoon Nights were now kinda funny. Before running away, Riley sat on one edge, Aunt Sadie on the other, and Aunt Joy rested her head on her wife’s lap. Now, Aunt Sadie sat on the middle and on her lap rested both heads.

On their defense, Aunt Sadie’s caresses were pretty great.)

It was far from perfect. She still got nightmares, restless nights, and anxiety attacks. She wasn’t cheerful anymore and occasionally the survivor guilt ate her up.

But now it was starting to hurt a little bit less. She could look at herself in the mirror and even dared to open her old scrapbook.

It was manageable and, for now, that was good enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, you guys. I loved writing it, it was really a lot of fun. My only regret is that I couldn't fit more backstory due to stylistic choices, specifically the fact that this story is entirely under Riley's point of view. I wish I could have explored more of the polyamorous relationship (that the protagonist doesn't get to see because they are hella discreet); I wanted to show a bit of Fear/Filipe's latino background; I wanted to show their job (they are all lawyers btw).
> 
> Oh, well, maybe someday I could write about it. Anyway, my work here is done. I hope y'all enjoyed it,


End file.
